This was the year that I am going to have life direction.
This was the year I am going to have a "real" purpose.
This was the year I get to be more independent.
This was the year that I get to have my own home + host.
This was the year that things would be easier.
This was the year that I would pass all my boards on the first try.
This was the year that I would match with a residency or start my dream job.
This was the year I would have more freedom than ever before.
This was the year that I could create the "normal ordinary" that I have always wanted.
Well let me just tell you- none of that is what is happening.
I am more dependent on my parents financially more than I have ever had to be as an adult
As of right now, I have no idea where I am going to live.
As of right now, I have no idea if and when I will get a job.
I am still waiting to pass 1.5 of my board exams.
I did not match for a residency and I cannot apply for jobs because of my boards.
I am waiting for my school/NBEO/graduation, etc. I do not have freedom in my schedule.
Nothing about my life right now is my normal ordinary.
And yet:
I have friends bringing new life into the world: PRAISE GOD
I have friends still getting married and starting their life amongst all this chaos: PRAISE GOD
I have people reconnecting with friends and family better: PRAISE GOD
The environment is improving: PRAISE GOD
Big corporations and financial burdens are being addressed: PRAISE GOD
Country relations seem to be more open because we have common ground: PRAISE GOD
I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and water to drink: PRAISE GOD
Kids and parents are reconnecting: PRAISE GOD
People are thinking more about themselves: PRAISE GOD
We as a nation are going after "the one" sheep: PRAISE GOD
Technology is helping keep people connected: PRAISE GOD
God, I feel selfish that I seem to only be consumed with how COVID is affecting me. I am not thinking about other people, I am only thinking about myself. I just had so many plans for this year, for this time, I thought I would know how I felt, I thought I would be happy. All of this is a mess. There is nothing about this that I feel good about or positive about. None of this was part of the plan. But in all of it, I know this is your plan. This is your will. You turn all things into good. You know better than I do. But all of this is hard to digest and I feel defeated, overwhelmed but also sure that it will be okay. Here it goes.
^^^^^^^
I wrote all of that on March 17, 2020. And here we are, January 2021.
The District Church out of Indianapolis just gave a sermon that put all this into perspective. The pastor said "God never wants us to be our own authority... most of our frustrations exist because we think this life is all about us." This kind of rocked my world a little bit because he was totally right in bringing that to our attention. I was viewing 2020 as a total disappointment because I was putting myself at the center of what I thought this year should have brought ME. What I expected about all the things that would bring ME joy. Life is really about Jesus, worshiping him, loving people around us, walking through life selflessly. And I can't believe I am saying this, but that is what 2020 became about. Was there tragedy, absolutely. Did terrible, hurtful things happen, yes. "Everything is cancelled" became the theme of the year. But when you look at it from the perspective that Jesus wants us to have... I think I learned to love people this year the way God has intended me to do my whole life. When bad things happened to my friends, we loved on them. When bad things happened to me, I felt cared for (even if it was virtual/socially distanced). I think I have sent more flowers and cards this year than I ever have before. I actually had the time to listen and talk to my friends. I spent more time with my family than I have spent with them since starting college. We made memories and started new traditions. We enjoyed each other's company and the simplicity of having time for one another. It was actually okay.
This is not a big pat-on-the-back for me by any means for finding the good or doing good things. It is more of a wake up call because I rang in 2021 thinking, "holy moly, 2020 was a HUGE BUMMER with so much unrest, so much anger, racial tension, financial crisis... disappointments... it was cancelled and a waste". But when I took myself out of the center and looked at this past year from a more biblical view point, 2020 became way less of a bummer. God's good showed. 2020 now looks like spreading love to local businesses, caring for people in any capacity possible; it looks like rallying behind one another in sickness, aiding people in crisis, uplifting people, seeing the good in what you have, valuing people for their skills-- loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Again, 2020 was full of terrible things, full of heartache, death, ruin, and turmoil. But in the darkness of those valleys, it gave people the opportunity to rise up, forget themselves and love on those that were hurting. The actual design and purpose for our lives.
In the world of tangible achievements and accomplishments and milestone (what I thought 2020 was going to be full of), 2020 might not add up to much for a lot of us. But on a personal level, I think it added up to a lot.
2020, you certainly were unexpected.
Until next time,
T. Hall
PS: on a personal level --- really just for me.
I did accept a fellowship in Philadelphia where I am living with one of my closest friends
I did graduate as a Doctor of Optometry in 2020
I did pass all my boards
I am licensed in the state of Pennsylvania
I live in a wonderful community
I was able to keep my job
My family did lose people to COVID, but it did bring us closer together
I voted for the first time (yikes)
I gained valuable perspective on how to love people
& all this happened during a world wide pandemic. Insane. Find the good because it is there.
